Saturday, March 26, 2011

Beldum - WTF IS This?

I just picked up Heart Gold again after watching some Pokemon Black footage from Kaseius, and didn't quite know what to do.  And then Baoba, the Director of the Safari Zone, gave me a ring and said, "Hey, the areas changed because they've had items in it for so long."  I went, "Oh yeah, I strategically placed things to make rares appear, it's been long enough, so I should capitalize."  So I headed over there.  Unfortunately, I didn't really remember -what- I was supposed to be looking for.  Electabuzz, that's cool.  Misdreavus, I have one already, but I'm looking to make a Mismagius, so I grabbed another, just in case it has a better nature.  Stantler?  PSH.  Stantler is small-time in HG.

So, I'm like, "Where the hell is the rare I was waiting for?"  And then I ran into something that might or might not have been it, I don't quite know.  Yet, it is rare enough for me to tense up.

For the uninitiated, this is Beldum.  Beldum is.....well, I don't know what the hell it is.  I only know what it ends up turning into, which makes it more confusing.  But let's focus on Beldum first.

Beldum is, obviously, a steel pokemon.  Steel pokemon, for the record, suck.  'Oh look at me, I'm somewhat metal and useless and oh god there's fire everywhere even though there's barely any fire pokemon in the game for some reason.'  Sure, they're usually better at being a wall than other pokemon, like Rock types, but outside of a select few, I'm hard-pressed to think of non-legendary/pikachu'd Steel pokemon that are fairly worth a damn, outside of Skarmory.  Which, let's take a detour right quick.

This is Skarmory.  He's a steel bird, alright?  So, basically, he's like a fucking Fighter Jet.  He doesn't even -care- about your bitchass pokemon.  'What, you've got grass?  WELL LET ME JUST MOW THAT SHIT.  Ice?  BLAM, CHISEL BITCH.'  Skarmory will take you down.  Without mercy.  And with lots of painful steel contact from his wings and feet.  Which....will only count as flying type attacks.  But, I mean, just think of that visual.  Would you like to get smacked in the face with a giant metal wing?  I sure wouldn't!

Because that would -hurt-!

Anyways, back to what-the-hell-ever-Beldum-is.  So, your first encounter with Beldum, if you played all the pokemon games in order, would be in Pokemon Ruby or Sapphire where Steve, this guy you've known since the start of the game basically, gives one to you.  Or, rather, he just kind of leaves it in his house with a note for you to take it.  See, because Beldum is such a little ball of suck, even -he- doesn't want it.  So he's like, "Yeah, I'll just pawn it off on this stupid kid, he won't know the difference."  PROBLEM SOLVED.

Except, well, Beldum isn't totally useless. 

For one, it eventually becomes this thing.  This is called Metang.  Why?  I don't know.  I don't even know what it -is-.  I don't think anyone does.  And it's not really clear what it's supposed to be until you get the last evolution of it.

YEAH THAT'S RIGHT.  That bitch-ass Beldum -thing- ends up being a giant metal crab tank.  Oh no, that's perfectly logical.  I hate this thing, for the record.  I hate this -line- of things.  Which is unsurprising, as it came from 3rd Gen, and 3rd Gen didn't bring a lot of positive things to the table.

Anyways.  Moral of the story is that I never caught a Beldum.  Or, at least, I didn't tonight.  Goddamn thing wouldn't stay in the ball.  Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

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