So, What's Going On?

Things have been a bit weird here on Kupowered!  I know this.  Generally, if there's a problem I tend to skip a night, but it's rare that there's two in a row, and without computer problems or something like that, I've never been behind more than that at any point in time.  I mean, I guess there's just a first for everything, but goddamn if I'm not frustrated with it.  In a sense.  The part I'm frustrated about is that I haven't really had a lot of time lately, and even when I -have- had time, I haven't really had the focus or ability to actually just sit down and type like I do.  Always something going on or something like that.

Most of it's....well, it's not bad things, but it's some things that I am exceptionally nervous about.  Without going into too much detail, it's related to a family member, and there'll be a fairly serious situation regarding that on Friday.  It's something that definitely merits worry, which I've been doing, but it's also something that -shouldn't- be worried about.  I've been working on that.  You know how it goes sometimes.

The other crazy part of my life is something that I've taken to explaining as "a Goddamn Anime".  (Used in a nice way, of course)  I won't bore you with the details (rather, I dare not share them) because the absurdity of the entirety of it all is unfathomable - even living it, I simply don't believe it.  Thus I surely can't expect others to do so.  Maybe I'll share the story one day when it's actually come to some sort of conclusion and I'm not in the dead center of it, but we'll see.

Now, the main reason I wanted to get this post out is that yes, I've been posting up posts rather late and dating them back to sequential dates.  The reason I've been doing that, aside from the obvious, is simply to get every page some visibility.  Besides, I have actually -started- these posts on the nights they're going up, it's just that I never really got to finish them.  It's cheating, sure, but I'm fairly sure you fine lot don't care too much.  Especially once I finally ht my stride and get everything set up nice and easy.

This week, whenever I get around to it, will finally be Game of the Year time.  I just wanted to say that I won't be going all-out this year and will instead be embracing a new format.  Or rather, an old one.  If you remember my Final Fantasy Tactics thing where I tried to make it a big deal as a way to ensure I would actually finish the game for once (and failed), I made extensive use of staggering pictures from side to side and for whatever reason I just really liked that.  Considering I have a -large- list of games this year (20, like last year) and considering that I about burned myself out completely last year doing them, I'm cutting it back to something much more manageable.  By...doing a staggered picture thing like that for aesthetics while saying a little piece on each game.  Of course, around the Top Five or so, I'll probably have -more- to say about each game and might go to something more traditional, but for everything before then, simply expect visually pleasing blurbs.  I think it'll work much, much better.

Thanks for all your patience, folks.  Sorry I've been a bit shite, but things have just been really...hectic.  Hectic is not the right word, but it's close enough.  It's been unlike anything I've encountered in a -while- and definitely not since starting this blog.  So it just hasn't been the easiest thing to juggle.  Still, I'm okay personally and I'm in good spirits, so that's all I'll need!  Probably.

bad Mogs, you don't want to try FFT again after reading those posts, stop it

It Keeps Happening

I hate these posts.  I hate making these posts, because I hate that I have reason to make these posts.  Because I don't honestly think I have a reason, but I can't deny that I'm just miserable sometimes and that they come and go and it's surely indicative of a problem, but it's not a problem I can really fix.  I also hate that, but that goes without saying.  I also just dislike using this blog as...well, a blog about -me- instead of a blog about things that I just so happen to have an opinion about, but I guess sometimes it's just unavoidable.

In all honesty, the problem is that I'm fighting with Depression, and by that I mean the real kind of it, not just "I'm sad all the time".  Of course, I don't have an actual diagnosis saying that because of a rather convoluted cyclical problem that starts with the fact that I don't have insurance.  I don't have insurance because I don't have a 'real' job that offers it, and I honestly don't make enough money to buy it on my own, which is going to be wonderful in a week or so when I have to sign up for it regardless and just figure out where the extra money is going to come from.  Which is basically "okay, well just get another job", which I would do...but I don't drive (yet).  Public transportation doesn't exist where I'm at (aside from school buses, but well) so that's out, and I've been counting on others to get to and from the job that I do have.  "So just start driving" is the sage advice there and it's fantastic and all, but it's not as if I've just decided for the past few years "nah, I don't want to drive" because I have some sort of luxury, but rather that I've had a very real anxiety about driving ever since the possibility was thrust upon me.  That could be solved with anxiety meds, I'm sure, but I can't get meds because I don't have insurance because I don't make enough money because I don't have a good job because I don't drive because I can't get anxiety meds.

It's lovely, isn't it?  I've been working with it, and by 'working with it', I mean slowly attempting to dull myself to the chest-tightening panic that sets in when I envision myself with hands upon a steering wheel.  In a sense that it's not going anywhere, I'm just trying to pay attention to it less.  Surely, this cannot go wrong.  Progress has been alright - I think I'm to a point where I can begin the awkward "holy shit I'm driving, I'm going to die any minute now, please every deity that has ever existed don't let me die" phase of -actual- driving, but that is going to take a bit of doing still.  Thankfully, I have a vehicle for when such a time occurs, but that means insurance which means -more- money that I don't yet have, so, well, it's going to be a fun few months here to start the year.

The issue with what's been going on isn't even the random bouts of, yes, sadness that occur, but rather the soul-crushing reality that I just cannot be excited when I'm in these fits, and occasionally just in general.  A lot of my earlier writing came from a place of extreme verve, that's obvious enough, and that's....how I write.  I put excitement into it, I put passion and energy into what I write.  I'm not just throwing words down, I feel like I'm crafting something when I'm truly 'in the zone' as they say, and that's quite the rush.  I can't do that these days.  I can fake it when something comes along that gets close to cracking my shell, like Drakengard 3, but in all honesty I can't bring myself to just be out-and-out excited and happy about it and that kills me.  I want to be able to sit here and bounce happily in my chair with the mere knowledge that the game exists and is being localized and I will actually get to own it, but I just can't.  Even typing that, I'm just sat here with a listless expression while I'm just struggling to form words in my head to go on.

It's not that I can't emote anymore, that I'm joyless or anything.  I can still laugh, I can enjoy games, I can find some form of fleeting peace and I can feel some sense of fulfillment from various sources.  It's just that...everything is muted a bit.  Everything is colored with the knowledge that I'm just eventually going to be at these low points again and that just sort of kills it.  There's not a lot I can do when I'm like this - I find it difficult to motivate myself to do anything, and it's even harder to actually create afterward.  So even if I play a game or read some news or watch a video, basically anything that I could make a talking point of, actually doing that...just doesn't happen sometimes.  And that 'sometimes' has been happening a lot more often, which is why I finally decided that maybe I should be a little more open about things.

I'm sure it's not too much of a surprise to you folks, as I've honestly touched on the subject before, but I don't think I ever just outright admitted just how bad it was.  Hopefully all that jargon about confronting and accepting things is truly the fastest way to get over them.  Maybe we'll find out.  All I know is that I am very tired of being tired, and I would like my energy and feelings back sooner rather than later.  That would be nice.

sorry, folks

Well, This is a Strange Problem

It's been no secret that the last couple of years have not been kind to me and I have not particularly dealt with it all that well.  I mean, it's probably not all -that- apparent through just my posts on here, but I'm sure you have parsed as much if you're a regular and it's been a constant source of frustration for me...which is a pity since most of my issues are also frustration-related.  Regardless, this year has been worse by far which is punctuated by "The Great Mogs Funk of 2013" in which Funk does not mean good things, but rather bad things like not posting for days in a row and that sort of thing.  Also the mini "Resurgence of the Great Mogs Funk" which I hadn't honestly 'announced' or declared or anything, but kind of thought it with slight disapproval in myself.

I'm not saying it's fixed.  What I am saying is that I was in the equivalent of stormy waters at the edge of a sheer cliffside which means that I felt kind of stuck and going under which is a bit cliché, but whatever.  And what I'm saying is that recently a rope dropped down and goddamned if I am not clinging to it.  Who knows what's going to happen with this rope.  Maybe it'll fray and drop me back down at some point or maybe it'll help me get over the cliff, after which I can take the rope and..er...well, I was going somewhere with that, but that part of the analogy/metaphor doesn't really translate.  But basically, as you can tell, I'm kind of like a shark in that I just have to make analogies.  Except I'm not really like a shark because the analogy I used was about drowning and goddamnit anyway

The thing is, I've felt better lately.  Ever since I got that 'rope' dropped down to me, I've been really pulling myself up and feeling better and like I can really breathe again.  What is has also introduced me to, however, is the weird feeling where I'm just finally happy again and I don't want to do anything but sit back and bask in the happiness because it's been a while.  Which means that even though I'm in particularly good moods, I find it hard to actually sit down, focus and write up a post even though I do legitimately have things I can write about.  I could write more stuff about Dynasty Warriors 8, for example, including a dissertation as to why implementing a system which has you freely gathering weapons and then introducing a hard cap to the amount of weapons you can have is dumb, especially with no options to directly compare without just moving back and forth and also not letting you just discard/sell weapons outright at victory screen or something.

Still, I do like to share these types of things in the vague sense at least, since I like being straight with you fine folks who make a habit of reading my ramblings.  So when I'm not going to be able to post or when I'm having troubles doing so, I like to...you know, say that instead of leaving you hanging.  I'd rather that it just wouldn't happen, of course, but when it does, you just gotta figure out a way to roll with it.  Hopefully soon I'll normalize again and be able to actually write things and whatnot like I'm back to usual, but until then, I'll do what I can.  Since, well, that's about it!  Thanks again for sticking around while I go through these difficulties!

seriously though, I'm doing pretty good finally

Bonus Post - What's Been Going On Lately?

Above is the song that I linked to in the New Little King's Story post I made earlier, or rather, finished earlier, which was originally going to be used in a post the previous night where I just grumbled loudly about bullshit I didn't/don't want to get into and not actually talk about -anything-.  As noted in said NLKS post (which was supposed to go up last night, meaning the rage post was from the night before last) I hit save instead of publish and then closed the tab because I was, well, pissed.  So last night, I went "Oh, that was silly, but no sense in fixing my mistake and posting it since it's got no content and is just anger" and instead started the NLKS post which explained the lack of post from the night before.  While I was writing that, as I noted on my Twitter, there was a little friend drama occurring that I got dragged into.  I'm sure I don't have to tell you, but when two of your friends are having a -large- fight, and you end up on the blamed end because you didn't stick up for either of them (because they were both wrong), well, it kind of hampers morale.  So, what does all this mean, exactly?

It means that it just hasn't been a good week.

Rather, August just wasn't a good month in general.  I was on-and-off with allergies, and while my mood was mostly stable, my inspiration and my actual -ability- to write sort of fluctuated which I'm sure is residual from my moping around and such from The Great Mogs Funk of 2013.  Of course, at the end of the month here, I started working again and my current work will go on until at least the 20th of this month, if not til the -end- of September.  It's not easy work.  It's manual labor work, it's intensive, and it's something that requires proper timing and precision over several hours.  It's tiring, is my point, and going from not really working to being ridiculously busy is not an easy transition to make in ideal circumstances and I am clearly not in ideal circumstances by any flip of the coin.  So it's just a lot of stuff all at once as it usually happens and it just gets in the way and is annoying.

What -hasn't- helped things is that my pool of topics to talk about of a night has shrunk considerably for the bulk of summer, and I think that has shown itself at several points.  As I've stated before, during the summer it's simply -too hot- to play my PS3 for extended periods of time because it'll just erupt into flames and drag $170 out of my wallet for a replacement for a unit that I don't even want anymore.  I have an old 80 gig with backwards compatibility and not to sound like a jackass, but I don't even want that.  I don't use it because what if my PS3 seizes up and dies while I'm playing like, Shadow Hearts:  Covenant?  Drakengard?  Those aren't easy games to get anymore and yes, while you're -supposed- to get your disc back when you get the replacement unit, who knows if there's edge cases where they go "Oh, sorry, it was lost/destroyed" and who knows what happens in that case?  It's simply easier to just -not- deal with that nonsense.

That's why the goal has shifted as such.  I believe I mentioned it in the past, but I was giving serious consideration into the 500 GB GTA V Bundle at GameStop, and when I went there this past week to pick up Killer is Dead, I did it.  I put down $50 of the whole purchase and I feel good about it.  The Super Slim is a device that I actually like the looks of, it's small, it runs cool, it doesn't draw a lot of power, and if it breaks, I can open it and get my disc.  But, of course, it's not going to break - I'm confident that, like Microsoft with the latest and greatest models of the 360, they've figured out that over-heating thing something fierce and it only happens in the edgest of edge cases now - like Store Demos and the like.  So for $270 ($220, technically since the 50 is already down) I'm getting a PS3 that would otherwise cost $300 in a different bundle with Grand Theft Auto V, something I was already going to pay $60 additionally for, and another Dualshock 3 so I can have proper couch-multiplayer if I so desire and have someone else around.  Or if I just want to switch controllers.  It seemed like a no-brainer, especially because the cool system and the 500 gigs of on-board storage means I'll...actually look into downloading PS3 games I've gotten from Plus, which is a bevy of opportunity on its own merits alone.

So what's been going on lately is a lot of change.  Which means a lot of stress which means a lot of wasted time which means that I don't get a lot of work done.  Obviously, I apologize for that and it's a silly thing overall, but, well, y'gotta have pride in whatever you do, and I certainly do here.  I'm pretty certain that people read this blog nightly, judging by the view counts, and I imagine you people are the few and the proud, as it were, so you deserve a little transparency when I can offer it.  And that's what it is.  The next few weeks are going to still be rough, but when Grand Theft Auto V comes out, I'll have not only the game, but a new PS3 that I can use and abuse wholly for entertainment purposes on an unprecedented level which will allow me to get through my backlog and allow me to provide some more content for you guys where it might otherwise be absent or lacking.  It's not too far off.

As always, thanks for reading, folks.

as if I needed another reason to be excited for GTAV, I mean have you even seen that game

Bonus Post: The Fiction of Kupowered

Folks might notice that I've added a little something to the sidebar, something that might seem rather curious at first glance, but it should become fairly obvious as to what it is in short-order.  Still, I didn't want to just throw it up there (especially at the top) without giving it a little explanation first.  Especially since it's kind of a big thing for me.

The new gadget that sits atop my sidebar is "The Fiction of Kupowered" which is something that I'm going to use to collect and keep the posts that I do in a sort of story-like manner.  It started back last year when Far Cry 3 inspired me so damn much I had to tell my story of a completely random situation I found myself in while playing the game.  A situation that was more or less unique to me thanks to just how many random elements were involved.  I was impressed with Far Cry 3 itself because of this and I was also ecstatic for the story that came of it.  And what do you do with good stories?  You share them, of course.  My blogpost that night served as a nice little way to do that and while I don't get a lot of feedback, generally, I did get a few of the people who I know check the site out every now and then point that post out specifically as a good thing.

It was something new, something different, than what I'd done with this blog before and it felt good.  It still does.  Story posts are things I can't obviously do every night, but when I get to do them, they're something quite different and fun in a different way than other posts.  I specifically started this blog as an attempt to write more consistently and thus hopefully improve my skills with it, and my story posts are a bench-mark of that progress I think.  I have mixed feelings about them in all honesty because I like them and am excited about them, but there's always the under-current of "perhaps I'm too close to them" or "everyone is their own worst critic, I should be harder on them" that keeps me....nervous(?) about them, I suppose.  Basically, I like them, but I don't want to seem like I think they're awesome super-great pieces of writing that you should like.

Personal things are always a bit awkward to explain, I suppose, which is why this is weird for me.  As I've said, however, Story posts are rather fun for me, so I intend to keep writing them, and some feedback has indicated that the story posts are also quite enjoyed, so I wanted to feature them in a way.  I worry that top of the blog is a bit much, so I -might- move it down, and as I write a lot, I might have to condense it further somehow, but for now, it's what it needs to be.  At least, that's what I think, but I'm always open to hearing otherwise, of course.

I would like to end this bonus post by saying Thank You to all of the folks who do read this blog on at least a semi-regular basis.  I write because I like to and I want to, but I enjoy constantly doing it at the pace that I do because there are people that like what I put out.  It's encouraging and humbling and all sorts of positive things.  So honestly, thanks to everyone who reads this and I hope you continue to enjoy as I hopefully keep improving.

Urgh.

I have no problems admitting that I sort of cheated with the portable post that I made earlier.  Specifically, if you will note, it claims to have been posted on the first even though we know I didn't post on the first because it was fucking storming and I didn't want to worry about shit that night.  So I wrote it up tonight and even though I feel like I lost my point completely, I posted it and it's there.  I'm done thinking about it.  I'm done caring about it.

I don't know why, but it's been a miserable few weeks and it's just not really letting up.  Rather, I could understand why I might've been down before, but now, I really don't get it.  All I've done for the last few days is watch Youtube Let's Play videos on my Vita and....that's about it.  I've been tempted to play games, but outside of a frustrating little bout with Soul Sacrifice, trying to try out the DLC, nothing has really happened.  I played Dragon's Dogma:  Dark Arisen some today before my PS3 sounded like it was about to achieve flight, but I was honestly done at that point anyway.  Though, it did give me a story that will be made into a post at some point.

I feel like I do this a lot.  Really, I feel like I've done this a lot -lately-, just going on about how I feel shitty and such.  It's become something of a real problem.  I don't know if it'll really work itself out, to be honest, but it's not really something I can do much about, either.  So, all I can really say that if post quality or whatever starts to drop or what have you, well, you know why.  Sorry in advance for that.  Hopefully shaking a few things up (perhaps doing more story posts) and doing things that I -really- enjoy doing because of the process involved will help.

So, yeah.  I kind of just wanted to do a post pointing out that I cheated with the portability post, but I only did it because it honestly -should- have gone up May 31st, but I felt crappy and couldn't post it last night.  Also give a heads up that I was in a mood again.  One of those things might be important.  It is probably the former thing.  No, it's definitely the former thing.

I'm also cheating with this post but shh

Shit.

So.

Yesterday was shit.  Today was pretty shit as well.  Tomorrow might not be shit, but let's face it - it probably will be.

I've tried to stay positive and such and I lasted a long damn time, comparatively speaking, but I've just hit a wall and it's sucked the life out of me.  Hopefully, I'll be able to scrap together a little creativity and drive tomorrow to do a proper post, but I make no guarantees.

In the meantime, this is one of the handful of songs I've been using to try and get myself back in a good mood.  The jaunty bits of piano are really nice, while the song overall just feels fun and happy.  It helps.  It can't work miracles, but it can help.

So, yeah.  Sorry about that folks.

And Now For Something (Somewhat) Completely Different

Tonight....tonight was a fairly trying night.  It was made more trying by the fact that my nights haven't exactly been very trying this year just yet.  As such, it was a bit strange, foreign even, and I didn't quite know what to do with it all.  That is a good problem to have, as far as I'm concerned, however - If you don't know what to do with a bad night because you're out of the habit of having bad nights, then you're quite a bit more lucky than you might think indeed.  Though it didn't last for a terribly long time, it was, unfortunately, something that lasted longer than I would have desired and as such, it made it rather difficult for me to sit down, concentrate and figure out something to post about.  So I figured, hey, I'll at least tell about that so it's clear why there isn't a more in-depth post that is about games.

I'm fine now, of course, partly thanks to the above Girls' Generation song, but mostly to some good friends in more ways than one.  It's mostly thanks to these friends that I've been able to stay in a good mood for...well, a really long time, save for a few low spots here and there.  They've made it easy enough that my spirits are naturally a bit buoyant and even when I get down, it's because of that that I can pull out of the funk fairly easily, even if it takes a bit.  Of course, when they're around and helping me directly, that will do the trick also, but that's just making it a bit easy.  Just being able to speak with these people and get that negativity out in a calm, reasonable way goes a long way towards alleviating any problems I might have.

The unfortunate bit is that today was actually a good day.  A really good day.  I completed Binary Domain's campaign mode and found it to be completely delightful throughout for the most part.  I have a couple complaints, of course, but I will deal with them on another night.  For now, I'm simply going to touch on the fact that, honestly for a first attempt at something like this (with an original IP, at least), Yakuza Studios knocked it out of the goddamn park and I almost wouldn't mind seeing them eschew a yearly release of a Yakuza game just to see what else they can do because if Yakuza and Binary Domain are any indicators (I would say they are), the studio knows quality.  Almost.  I still want Yakuza 5 localization news here and then I want some other news and then I want them working on the next Yakuza game or something.  Like, right stat like that.

Following completing Binary Domain's Campaign, I spent a bit of time with the Invasion mode of Mullti-player which I will also speak of on some other night.  Following that, however, I pulled the disk out and popped something entirely different in - my brand-new copy of Persona 4 Arena.  I never really expected that I would pick up the game, but for $20 and especially after my beyond-delightful experience with Persona 4 Golden, I absolutely couldn't pass it up.  I certainly wasn't expecting much since I am not a fighting game person and, in that regard, I'm not disappointed.  It's basically what I expected in that it looks fantastic, plays wonderfully, yet I honestly don't really care all that much.  It is a good game, I can tell that much, but it's not a game that's going to change my opinion on straight-up Fighting Games.  I doubt that there is such a game, or will be, that could do that.

Tomorrow, however, I will put my time into the very last game from 2012 that I'm going to play before I sit down and make the undoubtedly difficult decision of what game goes where on my Games of 2012 list.  I suspect I am going to have to spend quite a bit of time on the thought process behind it since, currently, I certainly cannot say whether I liked Lollipop Chainsaw more than I liked Yakuza:  Dead Souls, nor can I say that I liked Sorcery more than LittleBigPlanet Karting.  Not to mention all of the Vita games that I've played (sadly excluding Persona 4 Golden - it's a wonderful game, but it was released before and no matter how much more wonderful Golden is, which is a -ton-, it's still an updated port, thus not eligible).  It'll certainly be the longest list I've ever considered for a Games of the Year poll and, in a way, that's honestly kind of amazing.  Only a few more days to get the last minute gaming in, however.

Silliness

There is silliness afoot.  Silliness that is almost painfully stupid to encounter, and yet so inherently polarizing that it is just one of those things that you will never, ever be able to discuss without a vehemence showing up on at least one side.  It is a stupid argument, it is apparently big news lately, but that is the most I'm going to mention it.  Yes, I realize passive-aggressively talking about it is still talking about it and it's rather self-defeating, but we can't just brush this sort of thing off.  Neither, though, can we let ourselves be taken in and taunted with this obvious bait from folks who just don't know any better, unfortunately.  We can't play into the obvious traps and, at this point, the smart play is simply to express the correct amount of disgust and annoyance and simply move on for now.  As a diversionary tactic (which is what this is), all it requires is that it takes the heat off the point for long enough that everyone just moves on with nothing different because of it.  So, let's just move on.

I'm fairly sleepy tonight because of various things and that certainly doesn't help matters.  Following work, I lay in bed for an inordinate amount of time, worrying that I'm going to catch the thing that is going about.  I snoozed a little, but ultimately woke up once more, eager to actually do something.  Which means I debated whether to play Persona 4 Golden (as I have yet to beat it yet) or pop in Assassin's Creed 3:  Liberation to get a rough approximation of its charms, as Game of the Year voting time is upon us.  I have a couple games that I need to crunch with yet, despite the slight 'cheating' air I feel about it, and AssLib is one of those titles.  At the same time, however, I still really like Persona 4 Golden, and want to finish it, lest I fall out of the groove I've pleasantly run myself into.  I only have a little bit left, so I believe powering through it is what I will do, and hopefully I'll be enjoying stabbing mans before the weekend is up.

I briefly considered sharing a couple new songs I've been listening to as of late, but that will be a thing for another night.  For now, I'm simply going to enjoy said songs while looking over my notes for a short story I'm writing.

Oh, right.  I didn't mention that.  I am writing a thing.  It is probably going to be pretty good.  Depending on how it turns out, I might turn a few excerpts into posts here to share, but that too is a thing for another night.  This night is for the wonderful sounds of foreign pop music and yawning, apparently.  Because goddamn if I am not really still tired.

Starting on a Positive Note

Well, I am in a better mood tonight.  I was actually going to do a stats post and started it (I now have three posts that are just drafts and I feel -so lazy- now) but I am going to save that for tomorrow.  Hopefully.  Tonight, I'm just busy being overwhelmed by Persona 4 Golden that I literally spent the better part of like two hours if not more gushing over it with my buddy Haplo.  He's only experienced Persona 4 vanilla, but the experience is universal regardless, so long as I don't speak of the many many improvements Golden has made, thus tempting him further towards a Vita purchase.  (Because it honestly seems like there were a -lot- of things added and they're all fantastic.)  Regardless of whether it's Golden or Vanilla, it's a rather fantastic experience nonetheless.

Last night really wasn't so bad, in perspective, it's just that I let a years worth of negativity come crashing down on me over a catalyst that, really, wasn't so bad.  It was a little bad, sure, but things are what you make of them, and I've made it positive now.  Hopefully soon, I'll be making it more positive with someone.  That....was meant to sound nice...not weird.  I'm keeping it, though.  I don't mind coming off a little silly because I'm in a good mood.  A persistent one, which is strange considering the recent trend.  I'm hoping that keeps going - keeps on a straight line because I've been miserable when I'm down and only tepidly happy when I've been up.  It's been a real problem.

It's a new year, though.  A new start.  I've got a real chance at something good, something overwhelmingly positive and it's growing more and more as I look at it and think about it.  With it comes a confidence, a decisiveness I didn't know I had that makes my mood rise more and more.  I talk with excitement, with happiness and passion a lot I like to think, and while that's real, this feels like something on a whole other level.  There's really not a whole lot I can say about it here, because it's not something I can fully elucidate, that I can form coherently into words that can fully appreciate this, but I'm sure the gist makes it clear to you.  It's certainly something to celebrate, however, and something to make the start of a New Year seem like a very bright thing.

Is it silly to attribute some of this to Persona 4 Golden, though?  I'm not quite sure.  It certainly compliments my mood well, adds a little bit of extra goodness to it, if you will.  Like a fine wine next to the best meal you've ever eaten - it's a supplement to the experience and only makes it sweeter, but it is lovely without it anyways.  The game is certainly wonderful enough - I can understand how and why some people claim it as one of their favorite games of all time; why others consider it a paragon of RPGs, because all that praise is certainly not misplaced.  Thankfully, I'm not done with it just yet, but I imagine even when I do beat it, I'm just going to jump back into it once more, doing a NG+ run that I will actually finish, unlike P3P.  I just enjoy it that much.

Happy New Year, folks.  For real this time.

Bleh.

Today was just kind of one of those days.  Nothing in particular happened that was negative, but it was just one of those things where....well, it just wasn't good either.  I'm sure I don't have to explain just what one of 'those days' are like, as I'm sure everyone has had them.

I started the first post of a two parter about 999 in lieu of reviewing it, and it's in my saved posts, but I don't have the drive or the excitement to continue it tonight.  So I give you sad Mog, some explanation and a link to that fantastic Lightning gif from a few posts back.  And the promise of a neat couple of 999-related posts, I suppose.  Good night, folks.

Personal Post - Christmas Fuzzies

This is not my house.  It is fantastic, though.

It has finally hit - the aforementioned Christmas fuzzies that have warmed my heart and just made me feel a little bit more at ease which has been very appreciated.  Again, without too much detail since I don't need to bore you with personal issues, it hasn't been too great and in truth it still isn't, but at least I'm managing to deal.  Thankfully, I have a little help with that, and I think that's really what helped get me into the Christmas mood.  Maybe she'll read this sometime and get that she's really been a help and hopefully that won't embarrass her too much.  Or maybe it will.  That's adorable too.  Regardless, it just really sank in tonight and I can' help but have this overwhelming sense of...calm and content wash over me which is good, of course, but it's also kind of a problem when I am trying to summon up venom to properly explain a game in a review. As I intended to do tonight.

Really, the Christmas fuzzies, nice as they are, aren't very helpful for writing much of anything which is the dilemma I found myself faced with tonight.  With any luck, I'll find some time today to do something -interesting- and that way, I'll have...you know, something to write about tonight.  Since there's apparently not going to be anything that's approaching news-worthy, because why would there be, that'd just be too easy.  Since I haven't done enough in Persona 4:  The Golden to update on that (except get to a boss and whittle him down to being literally dead in one hit and then getting sucker-punched to death) nor have I thrown something new into the PS3 (because, again, fuck trying to Platinum FFXIII-2, goddamn slot machines).  There's just -nothing- going on except me feeling all warm and happy and fuzzy inside because of things.

So, that's what I wrote about.  There....is not a lot to say about it, I found.  Oh well!

Personal Note - Some Stuff Lately

I really, really wanted to avoid having to make this post, since I figured I'd work through things without it being noticed, but it's just really not working and I think it's having a fairly adverse effect on my posts lately.  I really don't like to do a post like this since it's only going to be relevant now, but I guess a lot of posts are like that anyway, and I've learned recently that only by talking about things or actually putting them out there that I can really work through them.  So that's pretty much what this is going to be, and I apologize right now since it's very likely that this won't be interesting in the least and border on self-serving for the simple fact that I sort of believe actually coming out and saying it, putting it out there will help.  I guess I'm just a bit desperate for that by now.

Since the Tuesday before last, I've been single for the first time in five or six years.  It's....been going about as well as could be expected.  Which is not very.  It's sort of weird as it's not exactly new in a few senses; the relationship was long-distance, so it's not like I was waking up with someone, just the knowledge that there was -someone-.  On top of that, the last few months were fairly trying; to say communication was strained would be understating thing, so I pretty much felt alone in that aspect.  So I figured, y'know, when it was official, it wouldn't be that much different and let me tell you, I was wrong.  It wasn't really so bad at the start, really, as I actually was working on my Harvest Moon DS post before the ex and I had 'the talk' and while I was upset, I obviously ended up finishing it before shuffling off to the world of Youtube to console myself with Happy Wheels videos.

The day after, however, and truthfully a few days following, I simply did not want to get out of bed.  So....I didn't, at least not for a while, spending hours after waking up (far earlier than I am used to, by the by) just laying there, idly listening to the Television and thinking about nothing.  I lost a goodly bit of motivation unfortunately, and I personally think my last few posts haven't really been up to snuff which is more or less why I'm writing this now.  I don't know if you guys have noticed, but I certainly have and you know me, I have to acknowledge these things.  I've been getting a bit better about it, slowly, and the hope is that I'll get back to posts that I'm happy with soon, since I've at least still -wanted- to post and still -managed- to post which I am happy with at least.

It's hard to explain, I guess, in that my brain just isn't working the right way.  I use to be able to sit down, figure out what I want to write about and just go at it.  Any distractions were handled easily and I got back to it.  Now I find myself starting a post, finishing a paragraph and going off for half an hour to do something nonsensical so that when I come back I'm just in a completely different mindset.  It feels disjointed and I think it kind of translates, but again, maybe I'm just being a bit over-critical.  It's a bit to be expected that I'm thrown off my game, really, but accepting it just isn't good enough, frankly, since I want to just get back to how it was.  And I'm -going to-, but I don't know how long it'll take, so I guess the overall point of this is just to ask you guys to bear with me until I'm really back into the swing of things.  With any luck, it won't be much longer.

Interruption!

So, I just wanted to say here that tonight and tomorrow night, I'm really, likely not going to be in a well-enough place to sit down and write something out that's, well...something I'd be happy to say I wrote.  Without saying too much, there's things occurring and they're honestly a bit too big for me to just kinda set off to the side for a couple hours both nights and tap into my creative wells or what have you to put fingers to keys.  I was just considering doing a tweet about it, since that's usually where I broadcast my normal "Hey, not going to be on" or whatever things, but eh.  Can't embed videos in tweets and I was figuring on throwing something in here.

For the record, I'm not getting sick again, there's not another virus on the computer (that I know about) or anything like that, I'm just going to be physically and mentally worn, I'm sure, so I'd rather warn ahead of time than after the fact.  So, yeah.  Not like there's a lot of news today, though either.  Anyways, with that said, here's some random K-Pop that I just can't stop listening to no matter what.  (Protip:  Skip to about 1:30 in, because there's a lot of frivolous music video nonsense that isn't the song before that point.)

This Was a Good Week

So, I think I've covered it a few times in the course of this blog already, but I'm not really one to toot my own horn needlessly.  I'm a firm believer in the idea that you can make something and really like it without being overly proud of it or anything of the sort.  Which isn't an odd thing to say, really, unless you've ever really had a confidence problem with your own projects.  Which is to say, it is and odd thing to say, since I'm sure we've all been there at one point or another.  I know I was there, making things, yet looking at them as if they were terrible things, trash, something you'd never really want to be proud of, because why would you?  But at a certain point, you've got to stop being ready to trash your own things because, well, maybe they're not so bad after all.

And I'm sure we've all been at the point where you just kinda sit down with an idea in mind, eager to put it to paper, real or digital (so to speak), but as soon as you start, you quickly start to talk yourself out of writing whatever it was, because now that you're actually going to commit, it's not good enough to write out.  And that's really what was getting in my way, before I started this blog.  It's not completely gone, but committing myself to writing something at least every other day has done a lot for my ability to sit down and produce, and produce things that I can be happy with.  And that's what really happened last night, some time after I wrote my post about MMOs.  (It's just the last post, I probably don't even need to link it)

I looked at it, and looked at the rest of the things I've written for as many posts as this blog displays at a time and felt a real, actual sense of pride.  Because not only have I come this far, just shy of 200 posts, when I just started in January, but I think I've really worked up some form of consistency in writing fairly well.  Obviously I don't think what I write here is going to be the best thing you read anywhere, anytime, but it's something I can be happy with.  Something that will actually give me a sense of doing something well.  And what was just a thought of something positive turned into something almost negative earlier when I recalled that thought with something clear away from the positivity here - dread.

After thinking of the good I've done this week, for myself, I turned that around into going "Well, no way am I going to keep that going", and as I often do, I turned to a friend to try and work it out.  When I mentioned to my dear friend Saki-Chan that I was worried since I didn't really know what to write about and I didn't want to, well, 'ruin' the 'streak' I was on, she offered a simple solution: 

"Why not blog about you?"

She elaborated on that by saying that I should probably talk about how I'm actually happy with what I've written this week, and how I'm happy that I'm coming along nicely with my 'goal' for the blog.  And I said, "That's a pretty good idea", because it's all true, really.  I think I've pretty much covered that I'm happy with how I've come along, though.  And it's not even that I'm happier this week than I've been in past weeks, it's just been one of those things where I really sat back and took it all in. 

I did it the other night when I realized, quite out of the blue, that I've been writing something a night (with only hiccups here and there that are weather-related) for seven months.  It honestly feels like just yesterday when I was tying my stomach in knots wondering if I really should 'bug' Chance about the thought I'd been tossing around in my head after reading his blog consistently for quite a few months, about the the thought that I wanted to do what he was doing too.  I'd never really bought into the idea of a New Year's Resolution before, but this January, I just decided to go with it.  Resolutions are supposed to be about doing something positive for yourself, right?

I had another one of those moments way back at the end of march when Chance gave me this ringing endorsement, and a spot on his sidebar for his readers to come and give me a shot for keeping up 'the good work' for just under three months.  I should mention that I get a pretty steady flow of traffic from there, so anyone who's come to read this from there, I just want to say thank you, because it really makes me happy knowing that other people apparently like what I'm typing up of a night.  I don't have dozens of readers or anything, which is fine, since this is mostly a project for myself and until just earlier this week, I think Monday after I wrote my review for Ghost Trick, I hadn't even personally linked the site elsewhere, aside from my twitter and to a few friends in passing.  And while I imagine the 'goal' is to have, again, a lot of people reading what I've written, the more important part is that I can sit back and say that I have written, that I actually have 198 other posts before this one.

Before this blog, probably my biggest achievement in writing was actually letting go of all my reservations about writing a story and writing up 33 pages of one during a blackout last Summer.  We'd lost power because a windstorm knocked a tree on top of the power lines and it took a week for the county to send anyone out to take care of it so that the electric company could come out and get us up and running again.  My portable systems had long since run out of charge, and with no TV, no music or anything else to do, I read and I played solitaire.  And as I played solitaire, I kept thinking about how I wanted to write something, how I wanted to actually construct a story long enough for a book.  And when inspiration struck, I didn't bother with doubts, I just wrote.  I read every page over and over again whenever I didn't know precisely where to go next to keep myself immersed in the world I was making and managed to keep going on.

I still have it of course.  I hate to say that it's only up to, likely 40 or 50 pages (hand-written, of course, so much less typed) now, and that I've actually gotten myself stuck, since I'm not sure if I like the mood of it anymore, and I don't know what to put between the start and finish (which is really my big problem with writing something long; I know where I want it to end, and I can't help but think anything I put in between is just going to be filer), but I still have it, and I'm still more or less proud of it.  I hope to actually finish it someday and like to think I will.  But we'll see.

Anyways, I think the point in all this was that I really just wanted to sit down and type out how happy I am with what I've done so far and how it's really pushing me on to keep doing it.  I've said it time and time before, but thankfully, somehow, I've never felt negatively about doing this.  It's never been a 'job', it's never felt like a chore, and I think that's a good sign.  I'm not sure if this is really the 'perfect' capper to the week that I've put out this week, but I'm happy to type this out, and I hope it matches quality for anyone reading.