Monday, January 13, 2014

It Keeps Happening

I hate these posts.  I hate making these posts, because I hate that I have reason to make these posts.  Because I don't honestly think I have a reason, but I can't deny that I'm just miserable sometimes and that they come and go and it's surely indicative of a problem, but it's not a problem I can really fix.  I also hate that, but that goes without saying.  I also just dislike using this blog as...well, a blog about -me- instead of a blog about things that I just so happen to have an opinion about, but I guess sometimes it's just unavoidable.

In all honesty, the problem is that I'm fighting with Depression, and by that I mean the real kind of it, not just "I'm sad all the time".  Of course, I don't have an actual diagnosis saying that because of a rather convoluted cyclical problem that starts with the fact that I don't have insurance.  I don't have insurance because I don't have a 'real' job that offers it, and I honestly don't make enough money to buy it on my own, which is going to be wonderful in a week or so when I have to sign up for it regardless and just figure out where the extra money is going to come from.  Which is basically "okay, well just get another job", which I would do...but I don't drive (yet).  Public transportation doesn't exist where I'm at (aside from school buses, but well) so that's out, and I've been counting on others to get to and from the job that I do have.  "So just start driving" is the sage advice there and it's fantastic and all, but it's not as if I've just decided for the past few years "nah, I don't want to drive" because I have some sort of luxury, but rather that I've had a very real anxiety about driving ever since the possibility was thrust upon me.  That could be solved with anxiety meds, I'm sure, but I can't get meds because I don't have insurance because I don't make enough money because I don't have a good job because I don't drive because I can't get anxiety meds.

It's lovely, isn't it?  I've been working with it, and by 'working with it', I mean slowly attempting to dull myself to the chest-tightening panic that sets in when I envision myself with hands upon a steering wheel.  In a sense that it's not going anywhere, I'm just trying to pay attention to it less.  Surely, this cannot go wrong.  Progress has been alright - I think I'm to a point where I can begin the awkward "holy shit I'm driving, I'm going to die any minute now, please every deity that has ever existed don't let me die" phase of -actual- driving, but that is going to take a bit of doing still.  Thankfully, I have a vehicle for when such a time occurs, but that means insurance which means -more- money that I don't yet have, so, well, it's going to be a fun few months here to start the year.

The issue with what's been going on isn't even the random bouts of, yes, sadness that occur, but rather the soul-crushing reality that I just cannot be excited when I'm in these fits, and occasionally just in general.  A lot of my earlier writing came from a place of extreme verve, that's obvious enough, and that' I write.  I put excitement into it, I put passion and energy into what I write.  I'm not just throwing words down, I feel like I'm crafting something when I'm truly 'in the zone' as they say, and that's quite the rush.  I can't do that these days.  I can fake it when something comes along that gets close to cracking my shell, like Drakengard 3, but in all honesty I can't bring myself to just be out-and-out excited and happy about it and that kills me.  I want to be able to sit here and bounce happily in my chair with the mere knowledge that the game exists and is being localized and I will actually get to own it, but I just can't.  Even typing that, I'm just sat here with a listless expression while I'm just struggling to form words in my head to go on.

It's not that I can't emote anymore, that I'm joyless or anything.  I can still laugh, I can enjoy games, I can find some form of fleeting peace and I can feel some sense of fulfillment from various sources.  It's just that...everything is muted a bit.  Everything is colored with the knowledge that I'm just eventually going to be at these low points again and that just sort of kills it.  There's not a lot I can do when I'm like this - I find it difficult to motivate myself to do anything, and it's even harder to actually create afterward.  So even if I play a game or read some news or watch a video, basically anything that I could make a talking point of, actually doing that...just doesn't happen sometimes.  And that 'sometimes' has been happening a lot more often, which is why I finally decided that maybe I should be a little more open about things.

I'm sure it's not too much of a surprise to you folks, as I've honestly touched on the subject before, but I don't think I ever just outright admitted just how bad it was.  Hopefully all that jargon about confronting and accepting things is truly the fastest way to get over them.  Maybe we'll find out.  All I know is that I am very tired of being tired, and I would like my energy and feelings back sooner rather than later.  That would be nice.

sorry, folks

1 comment:

  1. I've been there, Mogs. Set in for me at 12, and it comes with this awareness of the dips and crests you'll go through. When you're in a dip, everything feels meaningless, and when you sense you're on your way up a crest, you're painfully aware of the dip on the other side.

    Two things that helped me. One - I got a counselor, saw her for about three years - and it's worth noting it's not easy to find a counselor you "click" with. When I started seeing her, I'd been unemployed for a few years, zero real-world friends, and little interest in either. When I told her I just didn't have time to see her any more, it was because I'd become a supervisor at my job, one step away from a public servant, and most of my downtime was being spent with friends or on hot new video games.

    Two - just do things. Even if they scare you - I had/have a crippling fear of social situations, but I began accepting social invitations and eventually tumbled into Kayla. Get someone you trust to drive you out on to some lonely stretch of well-maintained highway you won't likely see many cars on, and get behind the wheel in an environment you feel safe in.

    You have to begin. If you don't - trust me on this - it'll be ten years later and you'll now be weighed down by the crushing guilt of what you've become, and what could have been. Begin, Mogs.